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Phuket

The Whores of Patong

semi-overcast 28 °C

I am now sitting in my guesthouse in Phuket after a few days tanning myself on various beaches and drinking with various hookers and ladyboys. Let me start from the beginning.

I flew from Cambodia to Bangkok, changed plane and continued the journey to Phuket. From the airport (which is in the North West of the island) I caught a minibus to the town of Phuket (the town is not near the beaches but you can get transport for about 50p every 20mins or so).

Anyway, I check into Phuket Backpackers hostel and upon entering the room there is a man who I would assume is in his late 60's sitting on his bed writing in a leather-back notebook. He looks at me and says G'Day. Australian. I'm unpacking and I get his lifestory in about 15 minutes. He hates Australia. The Government is after him. He spoke out and is now in trouble with the conspiricists who are secretly running a state which is similar to one of the Communists but they have the whole country fooled. All this and I haven't even sorted my clothes out for the day ahead!! Plus he smells really badly. Stinks. He acknowledges the fact that he smells and says its because 'I have no fackin money, those fackers back in Stralia have facked up my pension so I have to fackin wait till next fackin week for me money'. WHY ME?? Why do I ALWAYS attract the freaks. So after unpacking I make a quick exit to get myself some food and escape the odour coming from the pit he has made for himself under his sheets. I decide I will stay one night and the next day get my white ass to the beach!!

Day 2. I do as I said I would and get my white ass to the beach. Patong beach to be exact which is on the west coast of Phuket. The beach is known for sleaze, hookers and trannies. Amongst this one can find fat, middle aged white men from various corners of the world strolling along with the prostitutes they have paid for to see them through the duration of their stay. (see typical picture below).

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I get off the truck/taxi with my backpack and the sweat is pouring off me in a similar fashion to that of Niagra falls as I trek from one hotel to another in search of a room. I take a right down a street and am close to collapsing when one of the fat, middle aged white men I have mentioned smirks at me and says in a cockeny accent 'Are you a backpacker?'. I say 'Obviously' and he smirks again saying 'Would never have guessed'. Stupid f*ckwit. So I stare at him and calmly reply "Indeed and had I not put my contacts in this moring I would never have guessed you were an ugly munter'. With that I turned to see a place called 'Marley's' blasting out 'Don't worry about a thing, cos every little things, gonna be alright'. And low and behold, they had rooms within my budget and every little thing really was alright. Bob Marley is a legend.

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So I get myself to the beach for some sunbathing and people watching for a few hours and sit there on a sun lounger sipping ice cold beer. Nice. It is monsoon season here so it is a bit cloudy but warm enough to burn the bits of me that haven't seen much sun yet. The Andaman sea surronds Phuket and is choppy at this time of year so I am waiting until I get to the sunnier Gulf of Thailand until I venture into the water. Phuket was hit by the tsumani in 2004 and there are signs up around the town advising where to go for evacuation points should it happen again.

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I decide after the third beer that I will be going out tonight so I go back to my room, get myself ready and stroll to an Irish bar I have seen earlier. I used to think it was ridiculous to travel the world and end up in Irish bars but now I feel its just rude not to pop in for a drink and to say hello. So I am sitting at the bar and to my left there is a middle aged white man with his hired Thai girlfriend and it seems she does not speak a word of English. So I'm on my 2nd beer and he turns and asks me where I'm from. Turns out he is half Irish, Irish mother but was raised in England. So we talk for about an hour and he invites me to attend the string of hooker bars down the road and I accept the offer since I am actually having a good laugh and am interested to hang out with the prossies of Patong for the evening. I do make it clear that I am not a prostitute and shall not be sleeping with him and he says 'You could be my daughter, I'd never even consider it'. Good. So off we go.

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So there I am sitting with my new middle aged friend Dominic, his hired girlfriend, her prostitute friend and a LadyBoy who tells me his name is Angelina. He then asks me if I want to hire him for the night and I respectfully decline saying I am actually interested in men. He replies he is a man so I ask him if he has not went through with the operation yet. This leads to a half hour conversation about hormone tablets and his love of high heels and make up. I have always found it very easy to make the weirdest friends.

So the night ended at about 4am when my body was crying out for sleep. I left my circus friends, said goodbye to Dominic and thanked him for a great night! (I was absolutely trollied and did not buy one drink all night long!)

Today I moved down to the next beach on the West coast. It is called 'Karon' and is alot more respectful but not half as good for people watching!

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I go to Phi Phi in two days where 'The Beach' and 'James Bond' was filmed before I cross overland to the islands in the Gulf of Thailand. More updates shortly from Phi Phi! ;)

Posted by fifi-j 20:58 Archived in Thailand

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